China - Day 288

I walked in the door tonight to see Amy’s bags packed and waiting in the living room. She’s heading back home to Canada soon for a short holiday over the Chinese Spring festival. The sight of her luggage triggered something in my brain, and it made me realize how little time I have left in this country - I too will be making the same journey in another two weeks time. As I looked at her bags stacked neatly by the sofa I thought quietly to myself about how excited she is to return to her friends and family who miss her, and about how it’ll be nice for her to spend some time out of China, but more so I thought about how she’ll be returning to Guangzhou at the end of it all. And it was with this thought that I was hit with a surge of jealousy - because, when I leave, it’ll be for good. My ticket’s one-way.

When I left Japan last year after the same amount of time, I was ready. I was prepared. I knew my time was up and it was time to move on.

But now, I can’t say the same thing. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. I’m completely unprepared. Please don’t make me leave. I’m hoping someone will read this and make me stay. They’ll tell I can’t leave China, there’s been a terrible misunderstanding; a mistake; a misconception of what’s going on. I can’t leave. I have to stay. Sorry, but that’s how it has to be...

I’m convinced Time is toying with my head. It’s going by too fast. It’s not fair. I don’t want to say good bye, but Time is putting me in a situation where that sad scenario is approaching at rapid pace.

I don’t want to say good bye. I don’t want to pack up all my things. I don’t want to get on a plane. I don’t want leave Guangzhou. Not yet. It’s not the right time. I don’t know if there will ever be a “right time,” but I know it’s definitely not now. Now I’m not ready to say good bye to all my friends that I’ve made here. Now I’m not ready to try and fit all my stuff back into my suitcases. Now I’m not ready to make the lonely hour-long trip to the airport. Now I’m not ready to part ways with this city that I have a special love-hate relationship with. But most of all, more than anything else - I don’t want to leave *you*. I’m not ready to look you in the eyes and say goodbye. I’m not ready for your last kiss. I’m not ready to walk away - because I’m scared to death of what that means - of what will happen after I do. I should probably be saying this in person, but I don’t know how. I’m too afraid. So now everyone else gets to read it too, go figure that I’m not frightened of that haha. But there it is. It’s said and done. I wish I could stay longer, if only for you.

I have less than two weeks left in China and the whole process feels like I’m slowly ripping off a bandage before my wound is fully healed. A strange metaphor perhaps...?

Less than two weeks and there’s so much of this huge country that I have yet to see and experience. I’m going to Beijing and Shanghai with Tony later this week, so I can cross that off my list... But what about Tibet and Sanya and Lijiang and Xian...? Hmm... Well, maybe that means I’m not gone for good. Maybe that means I will have to come back. The flight to/from Australia isn’t so long from here. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be back sooner than I realize?